Within the wake of reciprocal tariffs touchdown with all of the finesse of a cannonball dive right into a scorching tub, President Trump has determined to pause them briefly for many international locations (whereas elevating China’s tariffs to 125%).
The issue? This previous week Trump’s military of speaking heads and Twitter commandos has pushed his “no ache, no achieve” idea prefer it was the Sermon on the Mount, all whereas insisting this was the financial powerful love America wanted. So whereas Trump struts round declaring victory, as if this complete factor was a masterclass in geopolitical brinkmanship and never a half-baked tantrum, his loyal foot troopers are left twisting within the wind — on document, parroting laughable justifications for an industrial coverage plan their man now clearly doesn’t have the heart, or consideration span, to finish.
I’ve obtained the receipts. And earlier than these painfully awkward justifications get quietly shuffled off to the nice reminiscence gap the place dangerous takes go to die, permit me to immortalize a couple of of the extra impressed defenses that had been trotted out to promote this mess.
Let’s start with Jesse Watters — Fox Information’ enthusiastic golden retriever in a blazer — who earnestly declared that “the tariffs are for the children.”
It’s the final refuge of a scoundrel; apparently, we’re supposed to consider tariffs as a form of noble sacrifice, like planting a tree you’ll by no means sit underneath, solely with much less shade and extra inflation. “Right here you go, Jimmy — I made your Legos value 30% extra, so you’ll be able to develop up sturdy, patriotic and perpetually broke.”
Fox Information co-host Jeanine Pirro skipped worrying concerning the kids and went straight to not worrying about her retirement account, saying, “I don’t care about my 401(ok) at present…. I imagine this man.” The implication appears to be that the Dow Jones ought to run on vibes and unshakeable devotion.
Properly, good for you, Choose. Simply hope your Uber Eats app accepts non secular foreign money, as a result of blind religion doesn’t cowl mozzarella sticks.
Likewise, Ainsley Earhardt of “Fox & Associates” endorsed the notion that we should always simply belief in Trump. “Give him a while. He’s a billionaire. He is aware of what he’s doing,” she said. That is the traditional American logic loop: Wealthy persons are good as a result of they’re wealthy, they usually’re wealthy as a result of they’re good.
Now, perhaps you’re considering that their blind religion in Trump has truly been vindicated. In any case, Trump may need gotten near the sting, however he backed away earlier than catastrophic injury occurred. Try the inventory market, although. And have a look at {our relationships} with different nations all over the world. Injury has already been executed.
This brings us to among the different strains of argument that had been bandied about.
Proper-wing podcaster Benny Johnson tried to place a Zen spin on the financial freefall, saying, “Nobody ever had their net worth carved onto their tombstone.” Johnson additionally channeled your favourite hippie aunt, claiming that cash is simply “digital ones and zeroes,” man.
Positive. Proper up till those in your checking account run out and the zeroes get tacked onto your hire invoice.
After which there’s Fox Enterprise’ Larry Kudlow — as soon as a proud free dealer, now simply one other man huffing Trump fumes — saying, “Buying cheap goods is not a real prosperity.” You already know what else isn’t prosperity, Larry? Telling working individuals to pay extra for socks whereas billionaires get tax breaks and bailouts.
And who might overlook the Fox Information caption “Trump’s Manly Tariffs” that popped on display screen throughout a phase through which Watters asserted that “When you sit behind a screen all day it makes you a woman.” Which is a bizarre flex coming from a man who actually will get paid to take a seat behind a display screen all day. In make-up. Additionally … what’s fallacious with being a lady?
And simply once you suppose the justifications couldn’t get any crazier, the weirdest theory (which Trump shared on social media!) alleged that the president was deliberately crashing the economic system to decrease rates of interest so we are able to refinance our debt — a kind of 4D chess-meets-psychotic break.
I’m not even positive I absolutely perceive how this was purported to work, as a result of this kind of delusional considering often solely emerges after you watch “The Producers” on mushrooms.
Taken collectively, these varied Trumpian scorching takes weren’t severe rationalizations; they had been determined makes an attempt to throw rhetorical spaghetti on the wall and hope one thing sticks.
They might all coexist in the identical swirl of chaos — perception over logic, loyalty over proof, vibes over worth — what Rush Limbaugh used to name a “phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roll” form of factor. It was like a “Select Your Personal Journey” e book, till Trump determined it was time for the story to finish (or, no less than, pause). .
Trump’s specialty isn’t coverage; it’s efficiency artwork. Simply do not forget that the following time one thing like this occurs. (Trace: We might all be doing this once more in 90 days — when Trump’s tariff “pause” expires.)
Matt Ok. Lewis is the creator of “Filthy Wealthy Politicians” and “Too Dumb to Fail.”
