A culture that’s ready for a different kind of close-up

It’s telling that Manuel Betancourt’s new e book, “Hi there Stranger: Musings on Trendy Intimacies,” grounded in queer principle and abolition, takes its title from a line from the 2004 movie “Nearer,” about two messed-up straight {couples}.

The selection of “Nearer,” “a bruising piece in regards to the rotting roteness of long-term intimacy,” as Betancourt places it, is an expertise acquainted to many. 2024 was a 12 months wherein marriage, particularly heterosexual marriage, was taken to activity. Miranda July’s most recent novel, “All Fours”; Sarah Manguso’s scathing novel “Liars”; nonfiction accounts reminiscent of Lyz Lenz’s “This American Ex-Wife”; Amanda Montei’s “Touched Out”; and even the late entry of Halina Reijn’s film “Babygirl” all present that, on the very least, ladies are unhappy with heterosexual marriage, and that some are being destroyed by it.

The straight male expertise of sexual promiscuity and journey is nothing new. It has been effectively trod in novels by writers reminiscent of John Updike and Philip Roth and extra just lately, Michel Houellebecq. In cinema there are erotic thrillers — assume “Fundamental Intuition,” “Deadly Attraction,” “Eyes Huge Shut” — wherein males are the playboys and girls the collateral harm. Betancourt tells us that “Hi there Stranger” begins in “a spot the place I’ve lengthy purloined lots of my most head-spinning obsessions: the flicks.” However this e book isn’t desirous about gender, or heterosexuality. It’s an embrace of what makes us human, and the methods wherein we keep away from “making contact.” Betancourt desires to indicate that the best way we relate to others typically tells us “extra crucially” how we relate “to ourselves.”

By chapters targeted on cinematic tropes such because the “meet cute” (“A stranger is at all times a starting. A potential starting,” Betancourt writes) and investigations of sexting, cruising, friendship, and coupling and throupling, “Hi there Stranger” is a assured compendium of queer principle via the lens of popular culture, navigating these points via the work of writers and artists together with Frank O’Hara, Michel Foucault and David Wojnarowicz, with tales from Betancourt’s personal private expertise.

In a dialogue of the discretion wanted for long-term relationships, Betancourt displays: “One is about privateness. The opposite is about secrecy. The previous feels vital inside any wholesome relationship; the latter can’t assist however chip away on the belief wanted for a stable basis.” Within the chapter on cruising, he explores how a follow related to pursuit of intercourse is usually a mannequin for all times outdoors the construction of heteropatriarchy: “Making a queer world has required the event of sorts of intimacy that bear no vital relation to home area, to kinship, to the couple kind, to property, or to the nation.”

The chapters on cruising and on friendship (“Shut Associates”) are the strongest of the e book, although “Bare Associates” features a pleasant revisitation of Rose’s erotic awakening in “Titanic.” Betancourt makes use of the historical past of the friendship, and its “queer elasticity” utilizing Foucault’s imagining of friendship between two males (“What would enable them to speak? They face one another with out phrases or handy phrases, with nothing to guarantee them in regards to the which means of the motion that carries them towards one another.”) to delve into Hanya Yanagihara’s wildly profitable novel, “A Little Life.” He quotes Yanagihara, who echoes Foucault when she says that “her curiosity in male friendships needed to do with the restricted emotional vocabulary males (no matter their race, cultural affiliations, faith, or sexuality—and her protagonists do run the gamut in these regards) have.”

Betancourt thinks in regards to the suffocating actuality of monogamy via Richard Yates’ devastating novel of home tragedy “Revolutionary Street” (and Sam Mendes’ later movie adaptation), declaring that marriage “forces you to stay with an ever-present witness.” In writing about infidelity, he explores Stephen Sondheim’s musical “Firm” and quotes Mary Steichen Calderone, former head of Intercourse Data and Schooling Council of the USA, in her analysis on adults who have interaction in extramarital affairs: “They’re rebelling towards the loneliness of the city nuclear household, wherein a mom, a father and some youngsters have just one one other for emotional help. Maybe society is attempting to reorganize itself to fulfill these yearnings.” These revelations are essential to Betancourt’s argument — certainly one of abolition and freedom — that bring to mind the work of queer theorists just like the late Lauren Berlant and José Esteban Muñoz.

Betancourt finally involves the conclusion popularized by the author Bell Hooks, which is that amid any dialogue of id comes the simple: our humanity. He quotes Hooks’ citation of the author Frank Browning on eroticism: “By erotic, I imply all of the highly effective sights we would have: for mentoring and being mentored, for unrealizable flirtation, for mental tripping, for sweaty mateship at play or at work, for non secular ecstasy, for being held in silent grief, for explosive rage at a typical enemy, for the elegant love of friendship.” There’s a complete world outdoors the inflexible constructions we’ve come to take as necessities for dwelling.

“Hi there Stranger” is a full of life and clever addition to a necessary discourse on how not solely accessing our needs but additionally being open about them could make us extra human, and maybe, make for a greater world. “There might presumably be a approach to fold these urges into their very own relationship,” Betancourt writes. “They might construct a special form of two that may enable them to discover a wholeness inside and outdoors themselves with out resorting to such betrayals, such lies, such affairs.” It’s the embrace of that complexity that, Betancourt suggests, provides folks one other approach to stay.

When requested how he might write with such honesty in regards to the threat of promiscuity in the course of the AIDS epidemic, the author Douglas Crimp responded: “As a result of I’m human.” “Hi there Stranger” proves that artwork, as Crimp mentioned, “challenges not solely our sense of the world, however of who we’re in relation to the world … and of who we’re in relation to ourselves.”

Jessica Ferri is the proprietor of Womb Home Books and the creator, most just lately, of “Silent Cities San Francisco.”